“Attention is love”–an interview with Karen Maezen Miller, author of Momma Zen: Walking the Crooked Path of Motherhood

I’m delighted to offer the following interview with Karen Maezen Miller–

mom, writer, Zen priest and author of Momma Zen:  Walking the Crooked Path of Motherhood.

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 MF: It’s fun to think about a mom who is a Zen priest.  Any funny stories about how people respond when they learn this about you?

KMM:  I wish I could come up with a funny story; I’ll have to settle for some true ones! When you ordain as a Zen priest you shave your head, so the first reaction people had toward me was quite compassionate: they thought I was very, very sick. The next response was relief when they realized that I wasn’t sick, just kind of weird. Honestly, the process of ordaining liberates you (for the time being) from your self-image and your self-consciousness, so I’m no longer very attuned to how others perceive me. Now I wear my hair quite short. You can’t imagine how simple, quick and effortless your life becomes when you are no longer having a bad hair day.

 MF:  How does your training affect the way you deal with the inevitable meltdown moments of parenting?  Can you tell us about a not-so-Zen moment and what you learned from it?

KMM: Most people think Zen is some kind of altered state; something way different than ordinary. But zen is always exactly you: where you are and as you are. So none of us ever has a not-so-Zen moment. It’s just that some moments aren’t very pretty. When that happens, when I lose it (and I lose it all the time), my meditation training helps me to see it! Namely, I can see that I’m slamming doors, screaming, throwing stuffed animals, scaring small children and making a menace of myself. And once I see it, I know the way to recover. Just stop doing that stuff and apologize. I don’t get into trouble any less than anyone else; I just might get out of it a little quicker.

MF:  You happen to have a fantastic Japanese garden right in your backyard.  Tell us about that and share one of your favorite moments there.

KMM: Our backyard is California’s oldest private Japanese garden. It was built in 1916. Our little house was built on the rim of the garden in 1949. The garden has four ponds, three bridges, two waterfalls and a teahouse. Seriously! As the chief leaf-raker, my favorite moment these days is when I am admiring it from a distance through a picture window inside my kitchen. Ahhh! Life is good when you’re not pulling weeds! My favorite moment is the very first moment I set foot in the garden. It was a complete surprise. When I first met my original Zen teacher Maezumi Roshi in 1993, he told me that he had been a gardener in Sierra Madre, Calif., (where I live now) when he came to America in 1956. I was living in Texas at the time he told me that, so I gave it no thought. But four years after that comment, Maezumi had died, I had met and married my husband, and we were looking at houses in Sierra Madre to relocate. We were quite coincidentally shown this house and the garden. I had goosebumps. I wept. We bought the house on the spot. That, as we say in the Zen business, is all she wrote.

 

MF:  Can you tell us about the actual process of becoming a Zen priest?

 

KMM:  Unlike practices that are theological in nature, Zen study is not academic. There is no seminary; no rabbinical school. The practice of Zen is meditation. Serious Zen students work one-on-one with a teacher. It is an oral tradition that has been transmitted through a lineage from the time of Buddha. When and if a student completes study, he or she is said to have “received the transmission,” or realized the true teaching, and only then is authorized to begin teaching. So it is quite different from other religious practices. Authentic teachers are very rare. 

Buddhism is the study of oneself. Ironic, isn’t it, that to study something so very immediate and accessible can take 25-30 years? That’s because of the second aspect of Buddhism: To study oneself is to forget oneself. Along the way, there are several opportunities for a student to commit more fully to his or her practice. Ordaining as a monk or a priest is one of those times. Becoming a priest is the process of taking vows that commit oneself to a life of selfless service. A life in which you truly forget yourself. 

MF:   You have a daughter and husband.  How has that impacted your life as a priest?

KMM:  I would never have had the courage or the reason to ordain without my family. They gave me my on-the-job training in selfless service. In truth, I recognized two things in my home life that made all the difference:

1. I realized my daughter at age 3 was more fearless than I was. Watching her learn to swim at that age inspired me to take the plunge as a priest.

2. Serving my family in our home is my practice. Every parent, every husband and wife, knows what it means to sacrifice your self-interest. I simply recognized it as my practice and my calling.

MF:  Your book, Momma Zen:  Walking the Crooked Path of Motherhood, is the first work with your name on it despite years of writing and working on other projects.  How did that frame the way you approached the writing process?

KMM:  It didn’t. And here’s the lesson: I never dreamed I was writing a book. If I had, I might have been too self-conscious or self-critical to be honest. I would have been too smart or clever. I would have thought too much. All along I was just writing to myself, for myself. The last thing I put on it was my name. Good thing!

MF:  You must get asked for advice from other parents who want to know how they can better handle their own parenting challenges.  What’s your best advice to busy parents who feel frazzled but want to connect more lovingly with their children?

 

KMM:  Pay attention.  Attention is love.  And love without attention is just a word.

 

MF:  You teach meditation classes.  What do you see as the biggest challenge your students face in developing a regular meditation practice?

 

KMM:  Themselves! Meditation is just a habit. It happens to be a fine habit to have. But like a lot of good habits, it can take quite a long time to cultivate. I myself didn’t start flossing my teeth every day until I was 44! Little by little, we make effort.

 

MF:  What are your thoughts on teaching children to meditate?

 

KMM:  Always start with yourself. Children learn by what they see. Before they adopt all of our own bad habits, children are already naturally mindful. They are completely immersed in what they are doing. The only problem is, sometimes we as parents want them to do something else! Pay full attention to your children and they, too, will cultivate attentiveness. Attention is always reciprocal. Try it.

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To learn more about Karen’s book, Momma Zen:  Walking the Crooked Path of Motherhood,  visit

http://tinyurl.com/2v6xwj